advice about my MNL?????

[jazz( jasmine )]

Soooo my MNL and i are having a little bit of an issue i think... so here is a little back story .. i love my MNL and things were great between us.. well my husband has been acting a little less then perfect and kinda mean for the past couple of years and it got to the point where i was asking both his parents and my parents for advice ... and when his mom found out that he was treating me poorly she of course was mad, embarassed and upset with him yet she wouldnt say anything to him about it or offering him any guidance ...but they were still talking at that point ...then one day we had called home to see how they were doing and she said something that pissed my husband off and my hubs was kinda chewing me out with her on the phone so she hung up on him...this was about 3 or 4 months ago and they havent talked since my hubs has tried to talk to his mother ( all superfical stuff but he has still tried ) and she was calling and talking to me or mostly texting cause she never calls ... she is using the excuse that she isnt talking to him because he was treating me poorly when really its not cause of that its more so because my husband doesnt call her all the time or check on his dad as much as they would like i guess... anywho but she is using the thing with me as a front so she doesnt have to confront the real issues between them ... which they have a few...
so anyway time goes by and my husband starts acting better and treating me much better ... and i have been trying to get them to talk ever since they stopped talking ( this isnt the first time) well before they stopped talking she was suppose to come out to where we live after i give birth to their first grandchild well after the whole phone thing i asked her when she was coming out here so i could have a room ready for her and she was like " well i dont know if im coming or not anymore... until he treats you and the baby youre having better i am not coming "... so like 2 weeks ago i tell he that both she and josh are being a little petty and not to stop talking to him on account of me and that we all need to resolve things because kylie is coming soon and i just think the whole thing was silly and not worth people not talking to each other over ... i said that both she and my husband were being stubborn. but all of it was sugar coated and respectful . well she didnt like this and was like well fine if youre happy with how he is treating you then fine .. and she got mad because i asked her if she could stop calling my husband richard cranium when she text me .. after all he is my husband still and yeah we butt heads but i didnt want to call him that .. plus my husband saw it once and i could tell he was crushed when he saw it and i felt sooo bad.
so ever since then now my MNL isnt talking to me too now and i doubt that she is coming out for the birth of the baby ... when i asked her if she was still coming she was just like i dont know ... and then like the other week or so ago i text her regarding my doc appointment and how the baby was doing and that we started birthing classes and she only responded with NICE TO KNOW when i text her happy holloween ( cause she isnt answering her phone ) she didnt respond at all... so finally i stopped trying to talk to her because mostly its me reaching out at this point and i finally realized its not my place to try and make sure that my hubs and his mom talk so i stopped trying to do that as well... but it just kinda hurts me because i know that my husband would like someone from his fam to be there and see the little girl that we made together so he could have like a proud dad moment ... but now they are not coming .... and im not sure if they were ever coming in the first place....

my husband has since started acting less grumpy and more affectionate towards me and more caring .. i think that he just had to get use to being married ... we have been together almost 3 years married for 1 and a half and i just think we hit a rough patch ... lately he has been more than sweet and as romantic as possible for him... which is watching wwe together and eating on the sofa lol but it works .... ive told both his mom and my mom what a difference he is making and how hard he is trying .. yes he has his moments but i can see him trying at this point and we have been happy and loving for the past 2 months or so... and we are both excited about the baby

*sigh * i just dont know why she is being like this i use to call of text her like everyday and now she isnt really talking to me at all ....

[jazz( jasmine )]

oh so i forgot to ask for the advice .. .should i talk to her about it ... or should i just give her an update about the baby every once in a while and if she comes then she comes out and just leave it at that cause really at this point im thinking i should just keep doing what i have been and just letting her know how the baby is doing and then seeing if she is gonna ever call us again .. cause we have both already tried ???

[MrsLeBlanc]

Ok this is going to sound kinda mean but I think you should just say F-it. Obviously there are other issues going on here like you said but she needs to learn how to talk things out rather than completly cutting you guys out of her life. This is your first child..her first grandchild...and if she is not interested in her or you guys...which she has proved by not answering her phone and sending one word texts-then why sould you continue to try? Just cut her off the same way she's done to you....it might be six months...it might be a year....but eventually she will realize that because of her stubborness she is missing out on getting to know her grandbaby and then she'll come around.

[jazz( jasmine )]

yeah thats kinda what im doing at this point its just weird to me cause my fam doesnt react to things like this .. i mean we fight but then like the next day we are talking again ... i love my MNL and i dont think that its because she doesnt care i just think that she is prideful.. both her and my husband are like this .... oh well

[Sandi]

Forget bout her b/c she's being stubborn and you can't change people like that. I know you just want to get along with her but what can you do when she's like this. She will realize she will be missing out on her grandbaby's life and come around.

[Erin B.]

i totoaly agree!...

[Nedra Jordan]

First off try keeping your MNL out of your personal business. That's if you want to have a healthy relationship. I don't tell my parents anything about my husband that is negative and I certainly will not tell his parents...This is a prime example why.

[jazz( jasmine )]

well personally nedra i would have to disagree with you just to a point. granted i agree you shouldnt tell everyone all of your business however i do feel that you should be able to go to your parents or his parents who have been married and been there and done that for advice... my husband had become on many levels emotionally abusive and it was to the point where i was going to go home his mother nor mine still dont know everything, but they were noticing a change in my behavior and slight depression and thus we started talking about things that both my husband and i could try to work through our issues.. i personally didnt feel comfortable going to my girlfriends regarding the matter because more then likely they would have just said get a divorce or cheat on him i needed advice from someone who loved us both and had both of our interest in mind.. as stated before she is using the fact that my husband was being a butt as an excuse as to why they dont talk .. this isnt the first time they have cut each other off... but i dont feel that she should not come to the birth of our first child .. my child has nothing to do with any of this and as grandmother she shouldnt take it out on my kid ... when i spoke with her last and she said that she more then likely wont be coming i told her how i might be alone when i go into labor and how my hubs might be out to sea and i could use the support she was like well im not coming until he acts differently .. mind you she and i never had an issue before so why would she take out her anger or what ever she has for my hubs out on me or my kid ???

[Silver Xeno]

BTW...you seem to be pushing a lot of guilt trips onto her..."the birth of our first child"..."her FIRST grandchild"..."might be alone when I go into labor"... It happens. Someone, somewhere is having their first baby...and creating a first grandchild...ALWAYS. Don't build up this moment of bringing your child into the world to be exciting only b/c of the excitement and happiness of others at this same moment. YOU and your husband are the only two people guaranteed to be excited. It's no one's experience BUT YOUR OWN. If you haven't gotten in touch with WIC...do so, and see if they offer a Doula assistance in your area. If not...get a job (or a second or third job) to pay to have a Doula help you. She is someone that will be there for YOU and only YOU. Her interest is not your husband, your mother in law, or even your baby. Her sole desire is to help YOU succeed as a woman, as a mother, as a caretaker. She will also be a great coach if your husband is not available.

[Nedra Jordan]

I understand wanting to vent about things to his mom or your mom is quite normal because they do love you. His mom can give you all the advice in the world, but she can't make him change. I don't like going to friends either because I have found out that they think I sound like a tape recorder most of the time talking about my problems. That's why I am glad I can vent on here. Everytime you go to your parents with something negative thats what they are gonna forever know about your husband even when you and him are back on good turns, they still may be upset with him deep down inside with how he treated you. She is wrong for treating you like that she could at least tell you what's up if she doesn't wanna have nothing to do with you, but it seems to be more to the story than you know maybe??? Maybe she has an issue with you that you don't know about????? All I can say is not to worry she will come around if not move on and just know you aren't the only one in this situation happened to me too

[jazz( jasmine )]

i see what your saying nedra , but as far as going to my folks about things .. my parents love my husband as a son and they are not going to fault him for being human and going through issues that alot of couples go through .. my parents are very wise and mature people who arent going to hate someone.. the only thing that my parents would have serious issue like never talk to him again or hate him is if my husband were to hit me ( which he has never and will never do ) or say if my husband were to cheat on me .. something like that ...
my mother and father have visited several times and they have treated him no differnt then before and love him just the same ...

maybe she does hae issues with me that are unknown but they have never come up and i wouldnt even be able to think of what they could be ... she has always been very loving towards me really i feel the issue was that i pointed out something she didnt like and i wasnt willing to continue to listen to her call my husband richard cranium and she got mad that her pride was hurt.. they are very prideful people my husband gets it from her lol ..
you are right though about not worry about it though and thats the point that im at right now lol

[Silver Xeno]

Asking for advice from seasoned married couples is one thing. Telling on your husband for all his shortcomings to his and your parents is another. I'm all for honesty...but seriously, my FIL (my husband's mother is dead) doesn't need to know all the little nit-picky details. There's such a thing as a "contentious wife"...I'm not saying you are, but I think going between parents with a laundry list of wrongs is borderline.

Maybe she's getting tired of hearing about how horrible her son is? She raised him...if he's mistreating people...then clearly that reflects on her. She may simply have sided with you in the beginning b/c she identified with you as a wife and a mother.

And knowing how most MILs react...they get info from their daughter in law...then take it STRAIGHT to their sons...she probably discussed all this with her son at some point...and I'm sure there were arguments about it. So if they had problems before they've surely got them now.

I would say that you might confront the issues between the MIL & yourself. "Hey, I noticed you were kind of short with me...Have I done something that's upset you?" If there are problems between her son & herself they may come up at the same time...and I would just tell her you'd like to make sure things are okay between the two of you, and she should talk to her son to sort out their problems.

[jazz( jasmine )]

silver -I didnt go between parents with a laundry list of wrongs in the least i think you misunderstand what kind of convos i was having ... im a 25 year old woman not a high school kid tattling on someone .. i have more maturity then that ... most of what was going on they had seen little bits here and there and i wasnt telling them everything.. when i did speak with her regarding her son it was when i was going to go home and get a divorce and have the baby in my home town .. something like divorce affects a whole family its not like you can just pick up and leave and never speak to anyone when there is a child involved.im not that mean of a person ... and when i would have a convo with any of them. Most of my convos with her or even my own parents were more like what can i do to better the situation of deal with things better and both parent stated that i needed to get into counseling because it was emotional abuse and i dont have to put up with it and it wasnt my fault.. no one should have to walk on egg shells in there own home for no reason ...
also as far as her getting tried of hearing how horrible her son WAS.. (he is working on things now ) i would call her to talk about how she was doing or if my FNL was feeling any better and she would start the convo going in a negative way about my hubs its not like thats the only thing i wanted to talk about and most the time i would change the subject ...
THIS WHOLE THING CAME UP ONLY BECAUSE I ASKED HER IF SHE AND MY HUSBAND COULD MOVE PAST A LITTLE TIFT THAT THEY HAD ON THE PHONE NOT HER AND ME .. SHE THEN GOT UPSET WITH ME BECAUSE I SAID THAT IT WAS FOR IMMATURE REASONS THAT BOTH HER AND MY HUBS WERE NOT TALKING ... i dont know if i made that clear in my first post .... the issue isnt because of the fact that she might not come out her for the baby being born..

im not giving her a guilt trip in the least if she feels guilty then thats her feeling wrong about her actions not because i was stating a fact that .. for one i might be alone when i go into labor ... and for two it would be nice to have female support and guidance on the situation from a family member .. my mother is going to try and be here when it happens but because of the time my MNL said she was coming we timed my mother coming later in the month.. its a first time thing for me and it would be nice to have our families come together for an important event this isnt like i am asking a high school girlfriend to be there its my husbands mother and yeah women all over the world some where are giving birth by them self BUT IM SURE THAT IF THEY COULD HAVE IT OTHERWISE THEN THEY WOULD no one wants to go through that alone. however, if i do happen to go into labor and no one is around then it is something that i will be more then capable of doing on my own IF i have to....also as far as the doula thing not needed i have talked to my mother and she is changing her flight plans and we are just gonna keep fingers crossed that the baby comes around that time .... and even still its the fact that she was stating that she would be coming out here and then because she got upset with my husband now she isnt ... im not putting all of my excitment based on if other people are happy or excited ..im just trying to include them in their sons life because they both are shutting each other out and i have no clue how it can be so easy for some fams to just cut each other off for small things, but then again i come from a pretty healthy family that doesnt avoid confrontation or dealing with our issues( not perfect but we dont use avoidance to get through life and its strange to me when others do )


the whole fight they had on the phone was over something super super stupid and petty and im talking about i think it was a joke that his mother made and my husband over reacted and then got mad at me not even his mother .. she then hung up the phone and now it snowballed because they havent talked for 4 or 5 months which is a normal pattern for them...

i have asked my MNL if there was issue because of what i said and she didnt respond... she has only responded with short messages when i ask her something trivial .. my husaband is the same way he avoids talking about anything serious or dealing with things he stuffs them down .. he comes from a good family but a family that deals with things much different then mine .. so when i wrote the post is was asking for advice on if i should continue to reach out to my MNL like i always do or just let them call or text when ever she sees fit which would be once in a blue moon... i didnt really need advice regarding if my convos with her prior to her fight with my hubs were ok or if i did the right thing there.. for my self i know that i did do the right thing in my situation.. the advice needed was more so on how i should deal with the situation as of now... i still love my mother in law and have come to the conclusion that i will just let her do her own thing if she is here great, if she talks to her son then great if not then she is only cutting herself out of his life .. and i dont think that its a good example of relationships between adults for a child to see growing up, but hey thats just me ... i still have a great realationship with my folks.